Extracts from chapters.

CHAPTERS Extracts.

Chapter 1: A one horse town.
I was raised up in a one horse town, one post office, one grocery shop, one butcher shop, one trucking carrier, one garage, one dairy factory, one engineering shop, one lumber mill, one church, one school, one railway station and of course one pub. And one fire station, which was in one garage next to the pub. No real fireman but there was a great resource of volunteers all pissed up in the local pub,

Chapter 2: A lot of bull
When I heard that rattle of metal. I looked up, there was toro looking straight at me, his big bull head pointed directly at eye to eye. Drooling at the mouth and snorting great big buckets of snot  through his nostrils. And to my complete horror, the chain around toros neck was unravelling  very, very fast. At any second it was going to slip out through his nose ring. All I could do is, yell “run, run.”

Chapter 3: Daylight express
Back to Bunker at the greatest of speed. Right on time, that train came hurtling around the bend clear into our view through our viewing slot. It was doubled up with two steam engines and about a hundred empty wagons. With full head steam going like the clappers. The moment of truth was seconds away. What was about to happen, We were hoping that all the gods would look down on us and smile kindly upon us.
Well that train hit the first bullet bang that went off then the second, third and the forth.  Then all hell and shit broke loose. Train whistle was really going off non-stop. The giant steel wheels were spinning in reverse, screaming. As bare metal to metal fought against tons of friction, sparks flying from the tracks.  Great bellows of steam were belching from the engine.

Chapter 4: White water
This time the rapids weren’t so kind to us. We should have known better. Now our beautiful raft was getting hammered and torn apart. Being a rigid platform that wasn’t meant to circumnavigate wild, uncontrollable rapids. We started getting torn apart. Then the first pontoon drum was ripped from its mounts under the raft. The next three went in very quick concession, we were all promptly all dumped into savage cascading rapids. As we popped up in the middle of rapids going with the flow, We could see in front of us popping up in and around the swirling angry waters

Chapter 5: Gangster Bridge
Our new plan was to crawl back along the track as low as we could. Then wait for the famous eight to come rowing down. And as you do, we three just started pissing on them again. They rowed to the left side this time. Screaming and yelling how they were going to gut us and feed us to the fish.  We ran to the other side. Up to the road bridge and hid in the cemetery, a maze of large headstones here to hide behind. They would never find us in the cemetery, ducking from one headstone to the next. Happy as little rabbits in the moonlight, jumping from hole to hole.
In 1972 those same rowers went on to win Olympic gold. They would never forget that day for the rest of their lives, winning an Olympic Gold.
Or getting pissed on, they would never forget that one as well. We gave them the golden shower.
We never tried that again, Too much risk, like putting out to sea in a leaky boat. Years later we just did that, went to sea in a leaky boat, and it did sink.

Chapter 6:  We have skills
Skidmarks was driving, so he handed half bake the cattle prodder stored under the driver’s seat. Shove that up their arseholes a zap from the cattle prodder send you rocketing into space. And it hurt apart from your eyes spinning around in their sockets and your hair standing on end. It worked extremely well, it certainly did the trick they did to quieten down. Nobody argues with the prodder.

Chapter 7: Weasel the trucker
The Farmer had bulldozed a very big trench out of a small hill behind the cowshed. Medicine man had been studying that type of truck, and he knew exactly how to break into it and hot wire the truck. He nicked that truck one dark night, and drove straight into the trench. They spent all night bulldozing dirt over the tanker truck. Only one hose came out of the buried tanker, diesel was fed to the pump shed by gravity. The pump shed was to pump out groundwater. Looking very closely in the shed, there’s a fire hose on a spool, with a screw on and off nozzle for diesel fuel. Had enough diesel to last fifty years. He was the first in the county to buy a diesel car, and it was a 350 SEL Mercedes-Benz. 

Chapter 8: Half bake the enforcer.
Worked as an enforcer or bouncer. He was only knee-high to grasshopper, He was born prematurely he was stunted at birth. Had a real bad attitude and hair triggered a bad temper. Half bake was the protector in a brothel. To keep the working girls safe, When the girl got her John excited, she would drag him off to one rooms. Half Bake would get to the bedroom first, dive under the bed with a can of fly spray and a baseball bat. He swore to us, it was really dangerous. There were no innerspring mattresses these days. A bed woven with steel springs and a kapok mattress on top of the springs. If they get too passionate or an overweight john got too excited.  Those bed springs would nearly hit the floor boards. Halfbake was constantly rolling around under the bed. Avoiding the hammering from above, and for sure they were going to come through those bed springs and crush poor old Half bake to death. That would have been really hilarious, Half baked crushed to death in a whorehouse.

Chapter 9: Cockroach the coffin cheater.
Nothing  could hurt or kill a cockroach, they are bulletproof. He could walk out of a direct blast from an atomic bomb or been zapped in a microwave oven. He was an inhuman alien, for sure. That was our mate name Cockroach. Not only that, but he had the dumbest craziest job ever. Working for the local undertaker, and this got him  into a right quagmire of shit up to his neck and sinking ever so quickly. It all started at the crematorium by cooking the wrong body. And just maybe it was a living body. Cockroach had made a deal with the crematorium curator. He introduced himself as The Don. Great name where people disappear. Their plan was when a body came in for cremation. The crematorium full of mourners. Then when the coffin was rolled into the furnace. Open the other end of the furnace, take the body out of the coffin then shove it back into the furnace, nobody’s the wiser.
Then you have a perfectly good used coffin to resell.

Chapter 10: Skidmarks the dealer man.
I advertised and two days later I could hear somebody yelling from the bottom of the staircase.
Yelling back I said, “Come on up”
Well, then she stepped into my office. Here before me stood a 5 foot 8 inches, stunning blonde supermodel with smoother lines than an hourglass. Looked like she had just stepped out of a playboy centrefold.
I only asked one question. “Can you type?”
She said, “Yes”
My next answer was, “Well you got the job”, one of the briefest secretary interviews. Never had been a typewriter in the office.Now there was a method to my madness.
No. 1 A hot secretary working a full time job with you. Will spend more time with you than any other person in her life. It’s simple, just do the maths and if you play your cards right, things will happen. And it’s no miracle.
No 2  Hot good-looking secretary with great looks and a great body will always bring customers through the door.
A Marilyn Monroe look alike and came with benefits on the side.

Chapter 11: Come fly with me.
In the cockpit I sat upfront to the left behind me, the instructor next to him, the Medicine man next to him, Cockroach. At full throttle I flew the cessna 170 off the runway I was climbing up to 5000 feet. Then I yanked back the yoke and went straight up. Now the boys had started to turn green, no more rosie colour in their cheeks now. They were turning yellow and not a word was uttered. Then the motor splattered and finally died. The plane was now in a steep climb. With no power, the plane stalled and then barrel rolled over then into uncontrollable spin. And then it happened, like shit hitting a fan. First it was Medicine man. He erupted with great buckets of vomit. He spewed it all over the back of Cockroach’s head and all around the cockpit. This was the automatic trigger that set off the Cockroach. It was all flying around the small cockpit. peas, carrots, pumpkin roast lamb still coated with gravy and now beer to throw into the mix. Now we were in a tailspin and still heaved up vomit all around in the small cabin.

Chapter 12. Bert Munro straight
“One, two, three: floor it, pedal to the metal”. Yelled Half bake,We weren’t going to break any records in a shit tin L15 that’s for sure. We were going to break something and it went like this.
Being the lads we where all smokers the fag behind the ear we did all that crasy shit. Soon as we had taken off. Cockroach wanted get rid of his fag. No ashtray. Someone yelled out the “WINDOW” The damn window wouldn’t wind down. Now up to at least sixty miles per hour. Rock and roll screaming the car’s cassette record.its head off “Born to be wild”.  Cockroach in his wisdom decide to throw his fag out the door, whooo that’s a suicide door. Now around eighty miles per hour and with a good tailwind up our tail pipe. Then it happened with an almighty bang Cockroach was gone Medicine man was hanging onto something. Half baked was hanging on to the Medicine man Skiddy seeing trouble  leant over Half baked grabbing hold of Medicine man. Stil one hand on the steering wheel half out his seat. In all the drama Skid marks fag had dropped out of his mouth. And in all the  excitement he hadn’t noticed. Medicine man had everything under control winched in Cockroach who looked like he had seen the devil. He was quieter than a dead man seeing himself go through the gates of hell. Skiddy sat back down into the driver’s seat. One small problem, that cigarette was now burning a hole in his pants. Within seconds that cigarette burnt through his pants and set into the crack of his arse on fire If he farted there would set the car on fire. There was a blood curdling scream of pain. Skiddy was out of control, L15 was now out of control. And we were leaving the road going bush.

Chapter 13: Let’s go Down town.
Skid marks was driving, slamming on the  anchors. No use, the grass was covered in a fine dew. The L15 had no traction but slid right up the arse of the Austin. The two heads trans fixed in the glare of the lights they didn’t know what the fuck was going on. Then they disappeared. They had gone over a twelve feet clif into the Patea river, We came to a stop inches away from the cliff edge. Medicine man hollowed “Oh bugger”
Rest of us yelled “Holy shit” “Fuck” and “Oh no no no, they are goners”. iver wasn’t deep so there were no dramas there. We didn’t want to hang around. There was going to be a cost in winching  that car out from the river and then there will be damages.

Chapter 14. Going it alone.
Cockroach had this hot date, he was all dolled up looking smarter than dude in his new  crimplene suit. But this date was never going to happen.
Cockroach crashed into the lounge, dived into the couch and yelled “Watch this boy’s”. Pull his knees into his chest, we all knew where this trick was going. He let out a trumpeting fart at the same time he lit up his fart. A nice six inch flame shot out of arse. This would be the very last time he would be lighting up his fart. He must have had a back draft that did the damage. Jumping bolt up right he let out a great howling like a wolf cry that had red hot poker shoved up its arse. We all looked dumb founded now there was smoke coming out of his arse.
Medicine man yelled out “Look he has cooked his own shit.’’

Chapter 15. 2160 Large bottles of beer.
He said. “I have a brilliant plan, one of my mates who works on the railway as a fireman you know those guys who drive the trains.”
And he told me there was a forty-foot-long flatbed wagon. It would carry 180 crates of beer, covered only by a tarpaulin. Every Monday night from Taumarunui to Stratford. That’s 2.160 bottles of beer. Our idea was to hijack a forty-foot flatbed railway wagon. Now that’s what you call a tall order but we sat around in our big oversized old lounge suit and our sacred stone. The stone we had used in school days, on one of our drunken binges we decided to rescue the sacred stone. We had a plan at Wangamonga, we would wait for the train. It always stopped there, then all we had to do was fill the axle box up with metal filings and it wouldn’t take long for the axle box to catch on fire. Then they would have to shunt off the wagon. There’s no manned railway stations between Wangamonga and Stratford. All we had to do was follow the train and check the sidings.
No worries, we found our flatbed in the Te Wera siding. All four vehicles could only load up 43 crates but we came up with a cunning plan. To take the beer out of their wooden crates. Now we had 63 empty crates around the siding. Then Cockroach turned up with his hearse and 2 coffins. When he saw all the beer bottles. He threw out the coffins and started loading beer bottles, he then ripped out the coffins lining to give the beer some protection from breaking. The four very overloaded vehicles took a very slow crawl back to the castle about 30 miles.

Chapter 16: Bitches and witches
Getting jack off the truck then backdoor no issues there a drunk up and drugged happy pig. Then it started as we were untying Jack in the door just finished cutting the hog ties off. When Medicine man sprayed light fluid into the crack of Jack arsehole. I would have been like shoving a red hot poker up one’s arse hole. Jack howled like a wounded pig, bolted faster than being shot out of a cannon.
We high tailed out of there very quickly, got the truck down the left side of the building. There were some high top windows standing on the bonnet and roof, we could see inside the hall. It was chaos with a wrecking ball. Jack had shot out from the back, dived under the tables with his arse on fire. Tables were supported by trestles and seats were formed with a thin cushion, this in the late 60s. Of course a pig with his arse on fire under the trestle tables collapsed then seating forms were tipped over. Food were flung into the air and just splatting once they hit something solid like people. This was really a big fucking mess. There were two rows of tables each about thirty feet long and at least a hundred people. Jack had dived under both sets of tables. 

Chapter 17: Copers in the breach.
For our Christmas’s party. We asked the girls it was the usual crew, Tricky  Nicky, Suizie, Jan Baby, Spinner and of course Bend over.
Christmas Dinner plate severed delicious roast pork with  crackling and apple saucer. Baked potatoes, carrots, Kumara, onion. It was a superb Dinner. Fit for royalty.  All placed down at our grand table. Polite and very nice, with mean full and polite conversation. Everybody is happy, little pigs in shit. Then shit happened, it blew in like a whirlwind, wrecking our lovely Christmas dinner party.
It all started with Suzie, who loved animals and was specially fond of Jack.
“How’s Jack getting on, what did you guys get him for Christmas’s. “You mean our pig Jack.” We just wicked Weasel had kept his big mouth shut,
“He’s on the end of your fork.” Suzie’s eyes had popped out of their eye sockets, bigger than dogs balls. Then the screaming started, the food had become highly toxic. Christmas’s now orgy of food, piece of Jack were getting flung all over the dinning room. Apple saucer was in the air, finding it’s mark over Halfbake. Not to miss out on mayhem, he divided under the table,  groping for all them lovely panties. Second course of cake was in the finding Weasels face. The place was a complete fucken disaster zone.

Chapter 18: Soft bulger.
Finally, when the girls got home they knew there had been intruders in their flat but couldn’t find anything amiss or stolen. The only things that were out of place was their camera. Which was in the middle of the table, right next to a bottle of Listerine. Now, there were no digital cameras in the seventies. The girls thinking there may be evidence of the intruders on their camera who had invaded their space. It took two day to develop the photos. when they viewed those photos in full colour. Shock and awe, they couldn’t possibly believe what they were seeing. Three nice beautiful pinky white arse. And written across each beautiful pinky white arse. Were the written words In  their own lipstick, “Kiss this”. Then, to their horror and vile disbelief, three toothbrushes. Sticking out of each arsehole. Their very own toothbrushes. You can’t imagine shock horror disbelief crying dry retching screaming. Physically making themselves chronically sick. To think they had just used their toothbrushes this morning. Suddenly that bottle of listerine looked like a god saver. Well we had that spiked as well.Old s aying she is so hot, I would use her shit for toothpaste and her piss for mouth wash. Pay Back that’s all it was. Moral of this story is always be nice to people who have access to your toothbrush.

Chapter 19: Thrown in the slammer.
Halfbake told his story about being hung out the third story window to get a confession. Inkwell looked hopeless concerned. “Who is the judge going to believe you or the police? “But I have proof”, Halfbake smiled.
It better be perfect judgement, or the judge will throw you in the slammer and then throw away the key”. When our case comes up. Inkwell addressed the court, “My client here, a nice outstanding member of the public, was coerced into making a statement by being dangled out of the three story room of CIB room in police headquarters I might add”.
OH shit that really stirred up the courtroom. You could just see it come across the judge’s face with a crooked look and  eyes rolling up into the heavens and he was thinking. “Oh my god here we go again, this is going to be a new one”.
“And my client has left his signature on the outside of the wall”.
Now the coopers sprung into action, they had to get someone up to get rid of the signature. The Judge adjourns the court for a thirty minute recess. Appoints the crown prosecutor, Inkwell Halfbake and the foreman of the court to get positive identification on this so say us signature. Once inside CIB room, Halfbake goes to the window, opens it, puts a hand under the window sill and feels around for something. Then he pulls himself out from the window and holds up a piece of chewed up gum.
Very loudly, he says, “This is my Gum”.
These coopers would have gladly thrown Halfbake out the window  if there weren’t so many witnesses.

Chapter 20: Through the front door.
We should have known better, this was just asking for really big big trouble. We only had two weeks to get our stash back. This was called for another very cunning plan. We knew where our stash was. On the third floor in the CIB (Criminal Investigation Branch) where the big detectives were. This was their space, In their office was a very old safe. Halfbake said it’s so old you could open it with a can opener. It was well known on the graveyard shift, there were only three cops on duty. The idea was to sneak past the cops in the reception desk. They were always sitting in the smoko room sucking up coffee and cookies, their mummies made.  There was this big sign right across the front door of the building, “POLICE”. This was in big bright lights you wouldn’t miss it at night or day, even in a storm it was plainly visible. Now, if you were going to go in through the front door and do a sneaky robbery inside a police station. You would have to be completely stupid, invisible, insane. But we had a secret weapon: we were tanked up on booze and drugs and now completely fearless and definitely short on that grey matter that’s between your two ears.
This Monday night, we were very high on alcohol and on this day we were walking on water, totally invisible and bulletproof. We turned our F100 Ford truck into the police station. We could see the place was empty, no squad car. Skiddy went into the reception area, called out for service, no answer. The place was unlocked and no cops.
Who in their right mind would burgle a police station, this is our dream job which could really go down as legends. Or completely, cook our goose.

Chapter 21: Up in smoke.
Not living far from the boat ramp, we would take a shortcut, and this meant skipping through an old graveyard. On this particular early morning around three am. We decided to have a race to the boat with the four of us. That sneaky little bastard Half bake was gone, sure he was going to win. The rest of us gave up on the race.  We just casually walked to the boat. Getting to the old graveyard, we could hear a garbled screaming yelling making no sense at all. Then we could make out it was Half bake crying his heart out. Looking down, we found Half bake had fallen into six foot deep open grave. Half bake was too short to pull himself out he was going absolutely nuts. He was in such panic. Stomping around in the grave. He had crashed through the coffin lid under a thin layer of soil in the grave, there were bones strewing all over the place and there in the moonlight was a skull steering up into the moon that absolutely terrified, scaring the shit out of the little bastard. Medicine man had a flashlight looking down into the grave said, “Holy shit Half bake has totally destroyed the coffin, let’s leave the little fucker there”.

Chapter 22: We are in Business.
Medicine man had a disaster. He called us on Friday morning,
“I need help bring a mop” We are all gob smacked at how much water is in Medicine man’s shop, it’s nearly underwater. “What the hell happened here, a broken water main?”
“No”. he said. “Juicy Lucy  stabbed my water bed to death”. “Why”
“It’s like this she was giving the place a good spring-clean, making the bed she found a pair of knickers, and they weren’t hers”.  “Oh shit”  “She went ballistic.” “And then she destroyed the video camera?” “Why the video camera and cassettes”. “Well she wasn’t the porn star”
“You are a Dead man walking, no happy ending for you”. We all agreed on that one.
The sin bin was a wash for now.
How much water is in a waterbed, a fucking a lot the place was completely flooded out. And how much magnetic tape is in the cassette, there must have been a million miles of it strewn all over the place.
Medicine man spoke, “Anyway, sex with her was a pain in the arse”.
We all looked at him and thought there’s something wrong here. Then to top it all off, “Don’t knock it until you try it”

Chapter 23: King rat.
I told the gang I would catch the rat no more worries there. Then I would make the rat my pet and carry the rat around for a week. No one could achieve this; it was impossible to tame a rat. Bets were flying around and I had guttersnipe working in the kitchen. He was going to be a banker. It was gamble one choc or one dollar get two back if I couldn’t tame the rat. I had know idea it was going to cause a riot and I would get thrown into the pound for a week. (Pound is the same for solitary. Confinement) This is how it all went down. That night I caught the rat and he was a big bastard with vicious razor sharp teeth. No way I was going to tame and cart this mean rodent shit around for a week. But I did have a very cunning plan. It all went down like this. First I had to kill the rat. Trapped in a wire cage. Only had one option, drown that rat. I had to get to the laundry to drown the rat. Now I had to put that dead rat into a box I had pre-made. Then to encase the rat with polyurethane resin to make a perspex glass coffin preserved forever. Prodly walking into the dinning room towing behind me my rat encased perspex coffin That did it set off a riot.

Chapter 24: The Dealer man.
Banks had a safe deposit drop box just a small hole in the Bank’s wall drive up to the Bank drop your money bag into the slot. It would be dropped into a rotating bucket. To prevent anyone that wanted to go fishing for money bags. What Vince did, he made a his own money drop box large container about six foot high, four foot width. This large box was placed strategically close to the  bank’s drop box. Location was the main points in a busy commercial area bank had to have a drive through,
Vince would tape up the bank’s drop box with a sign. Which read ‘Out of order, use drop next” with arrow pointing to Vince’s box. He placed the strong box around 10pm Friday night a and on 3am Sunday morning. Banks were closed over the weekend. Getting a nice window of success, better than fishing, a sure way to make easy money. Then on Sunday he would drive up with his utility vandump safe deposit box in the back of the truck. All the evidence went with him, that had the coppers stumped but only for a short while.

Chapter 25: A cunning plan.
Picking up the milk from the Dairy factory, it was the first time I had seen milk in plastic containers. All good, no hassles getting through the gate. Now all we had to do was get the milk delivered.
Hordes of people and Food stands, I found my delivery point, I walked into the tent and asked for. “Mandy”.Some hot tart said, “She’s out the back outside”.
Walked through and out into the back paddock. And now I see that I
suspect it’s Mandy, having a bath in an old cast iron bathtub with a low burning fire underneath. “Mandy” I said
“Yes”
“I am the milkman”.“Oh” she said, “I guess you need paying”.
She stood up out of the bath completely naked. What a great way to start your day can it get any better.

Chapter 26: The little green men are here.
In the dead of night, we moved into our alien craft. Stopped at the entrance and we did our pinky salute wriggling our little pinky finger turned up at each other we would say. “May the gods be with you my sons”.
Then we boarded our alien craft nothing was going to protect and it was for sure the gods were not smiling down upon us this day. Thanks to the four of us, all known as the coffin cheaters. About to have a shitload of chaos rained down upon and tipping the earth upside down to be shaken violently. We caused mayhem disbelief chaos and governments scramble what to do with Alien space landing on earth nothing was ever documented and had never had happened
We had raised the bar to DEFCON one very successfully. I must say that again. The world has most likely gone into DEFCON 1.  There was going to be hell to play after this one. We most likely get charged with treason which still held the death penalty in most countries.

Chapter 27. Sea pirates on the wet pussy.
Then it happened, one morning I woke from a deep slumber. Then I nearly messed up my pants with shit. There off the bow was a navy ship with its forward cannon less than fifty meters pointing directly level with wet pussies wheelhouse. As you would say, our wheelhouse was right-slight bang in the middle crosshairs. “Oh shit shit”. I ran downstairs, everyone was still asleep. I was yelling, “Get up, we are under attack”.Well that left everyone scratching their heads, then shoved their heads under their pillows. Getting back to their field of dreams into a perfect world.Managed to get Medicine man up to the wheelhouse but the cannon and the ship had vanished.
Medicine man. “You off your meds, go down to the galley and smoke some more wacky wacky weed. Maybe next time you will see a Nuclear Aircraft carrier. “

Chapter 28: Treasure Island.
We had to make another cunning plan. First on the agenda: get the ship into ship shape again. Next, to do inventory on our food stocks. Get the electric generator going again. Then have a meeting trying to determine we were on this  third planet from the sun. Another mystery, we had no idea  where the hell we were. The wheelhouse’s windows on the port and starboard side  had been knocked out, and most of the electronics were waterlogged. No radios and there was no sexton. We were marooned at sea without land in sight or even a coconut tree and no birds. It would be like trying to find a teardrop in an ocean, impossible. In the 70s there was no GPS, just maps, compass and a sexton.
Big deal, we had a compass, but without a bearing we didn’t know where the hell are were.

Chapter 29: Living the dream.
There was abundance of coral reefs around the atolls, ideal living happier for fish. A kelp field, miles of that stuff off third atoll. They say when the temperatures are right for the ocean and air, kelp can grow an extra one foot every day. We were all getting sick to the teeth of fucking seafood. On our neighboring Island, we decide to put pigs on the island. First we had to explore the idea of getting fresh water for the pigs to survive. From our mysterious island, we had Coconuts. The shells could be made in bowels and kitchen vessels. Copra is used for producing butter, oil, baking and cooking, cosmetic products include soaps, body scrubs, hair masks, shampoos, topical creams. Copra could also be made into flour. Also, great for making the Homebrew which It was really foul, we called it crocodile piss.
That stuff called weed was popping up all over the island.

Chapter 30. Hold my hand, I’m dying.
We were in panic stations again. He was dying. We packed our bags and flew off to Sydney, Australia.
He told us and all his friends that he didn’t have long on god’s little green earth, In the final throes of his life. We gathered around his bedside. Swapped stories of the good times. The crazy times and the bad times. We were at the bedside for over a week and seven days waiting for him to die. But that bastard didn’t die. He was fitter than a buck rabbit? I was so sure it was only down to a broken heart, his wife had just walked out on him. He would live longer than the rest of us.